Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.
Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.
there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company
Just once I’d like to be the DJ at an extravagant, subversive Goth masquerade ball and just throw on “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys when they least suspect it
DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.
Please vote for people who are attractive
Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.
Strive for greatness. Do 15 pushups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Burn your ex’s house down. Eat the whole cake instead of a slice. I believe in you.
Icarus loved hot wings.
Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.
Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain
3.) prisoner of war
4.) homeless person
5.) wizard
is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?
To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.