Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen
[leans into restaurant] hey do you guys serve chicken
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door open for my bird friend] perfect
woke up on the wrong side of the jed today
My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.
Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.
Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.
Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.
there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company
Just once I’d like to be the DJ at an extravagant, subversive Goth masquerade ball and just throw on “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys when they least suspect it
DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.
Please vote for people who are attractive
Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.
