Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.
My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination
If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.
My kids: We’re bored!
Me (thinking about when I sharpened a whole box (50?) of yellow pencils with my grandmother’s bolted to the desk, metal, pencil sharpener): Hm. That’s a you problem.
I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.
The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving
This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.
10/10 no notes.
Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.
It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem
oh she’s cooked
