Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
