When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
How do dragons blow out candles?