Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
remember
only for emergencies
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts