me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅