How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
You had me at “define legal”.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Someone just threatened to call me later