IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No