How do dragons blow out candles?
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
remember
only for emergencies
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.