Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
You had me at “define legal”.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
