Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Someone just threatened to call me later
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.