Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
peeping toms
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.