If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.