Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?