I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.