Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead