cats when you pet them too long:
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her