“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
A classic…
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
normalize having existential bread