Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee