If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.