I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning