Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.