Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.