my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
superman landing like a plane on his belly
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.