Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Finally! 😈
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.