The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.