6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
He’s cranky this morning
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.