Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy