Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
j o i m p
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑