If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting