It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit