Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
This 4th of July, please remember…
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances