before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting