I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?