To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.
Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious
My son asked if there’s such a thing as fire tornados and I said I don’t know, and he looked wistfully out the window and said “I sure hope so” yeah man fingers crossed
what do you want
Three men tried to rob my friend at gun point yesterday in Atlanta and he was so annoyed he was like “what do yall want? Advice? Cause I don’t have any money”LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol
True story 🤣
Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.
Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.
The theme park we’re going to in the morning has free unlimited soft drinks. So if my calculations are correct, the kids will have diabetes by 1 pm.
Judging by the hair on my black shirts , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.
Cop lights are so pretty at night
me: lmao i saw it on twitter
them: what’s your twitter
me: i don’t have twitter