dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.
I asked my Gramma which walker she preferred to use.
She said Johnnie.
I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.
ew if literal: let me be clear
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Sorted
My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago
It’s only 9am, & I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.
Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word
Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen
353 days a year folks are like “Does anyone still use libraries?”
On national holidays they’re all “WE NEED TO USE THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW”
[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider
If chickens knew how good they tasted they would understand.
never vacuuming so i don’t disrupt my carpet’s natural micro biome
Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.
