Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.
It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem
oh she’s cooked
I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.
Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀
(in job interview)
my greatest strength is how quickly i can create a hostile work environment and my biggest weakness is that i love too deeply and im constantly befriending fake people. i have no experience as a barista.
“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”
So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?
Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.
“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”
Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.
Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.
If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.
Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby
