My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.
This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.
Me: My name is Daniel Kibblesmith and I will be performing Defying Gravity from Wicked
Casting Director: This audition is for a water-logged corpse on Law & Order
Me: And I have some ideas
there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body
10/10 no notes
TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties
Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself
roses are red
i fall when i skate
When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.
Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.
let the world know you’re kind of a big dill
Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.
Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*
*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver
Went shopping for camouflage but didn’t see anything
