Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Hot Hot Hot
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
