Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams