Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
