Finished stitching this today 😇
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
それは草