[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round