“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
