Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.