Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”