それは草
just gave your address to some spiders
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
he chose this
okay run it by me one more time
