Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.