Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am