Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I already tried new things thanks.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work