I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Meanwhile in Canada…
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe