how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.