Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”