“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
honestly, i need both:
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
October already? What’s next? November????
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.