My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
