Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
