Told my kids I’m gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.
I’ll have enough candy left for trick or treaters tonight… if there are only 8 of them.
And they come in the next 15 minutes.
I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me
big day for dogs who love to absolutely lose their shit when the doorbell rings
About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it
Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare
Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body
My neighbor is handing out hot dogs, Kit Kats & Pez. When a group of kids arrives I’ll yell “They’re eating the dogs! They’re eating the Kats! They’re eating the Pez of the people who live there!”
having a job is cool but everydayyy???
Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting
Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.
Me handing out gift bags at my Halloween party: don’t worry – it’s already dead
Do kids still eat Tide Pods? I forgot to buy candy.
Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”
The Eggorcist
