My one-year-old niece has started saying “bye-bye” when she wants people to leave. Honestly, I’ve never been so influenced by a toddler before
I need everyone to stop having the flu and bringing the flu to the ER and then infecting the non flu patients with the flu so they come back to the ER for the flu, etc etc
Me: Have you been following the H1B stuff? My wife: No, what happened? Did it mutate to infect humans?
You know when you’re starving, and your buddy starts looking like a succulent roasted chicken? Everyone has experienced this. Well It would be cool if when you were really full, a roast chicken started to look like a little 5 lb man
You fuckers don’t deserve a new year, look at the mess you made of the last one.
they say humans share 50% of their DNA with the banana. for some of you i think that number is even higher
My recliner and I go way back
[times square new year’s eve 30 mins before midnight] we should leave now and beat the crowd
my friends are so lucky i can’t do a backflip, i would be so fucking annoyinggg
never signed up for a 401k cuz there’s no way in hell i can run that far
No date on the calendar is going to bully me into staying awake past 8:30pm
My daughter b like “if u need something, call me” ???? You’re 3 sister girl 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
This toddler just ran up to me in Target, crying for me to pick him up. I didn’t know what to do, so I did & he stopped crying, immediately. His mom then walks up to me & says, “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry sir. But you look just like his daddy” 💀.
These modern phones are great but I miss the days of old Nokias… you know if you were out and needed a hammer, a weapon or even an anchor for a boat.. voila
2024 was a year of tremendous personal growth. I’m up four pants sizes since January.