[first day at ninja school]
*wonders if i’m in the right room as i can’t see or hear anyone else*
“The weatherman isn’t real!”
-first graders thinking the weatherman is a marvel character
I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services
Some people are so fake there lock screens don’t recognise them
Told my twins at their basketball game to slay and don’t be beta skibidi and it felt like a dream to embarrass two kids at once.
New skill unlocked
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
Required: An app that turns the page of the calendar that’s on the wall.
genius
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them
in other news congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me
