Might fuck around and reply “history will absolve me” to all work emails.
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
“Would you like a bag?” “Well yes obviously or else how else am I going to carry it” in a bag you brought from home like 50% of the other customers do hun 🙂
Santa hasn’t brought any presents since I moved out of my parents’ house. What a dick.
some BODY once told me
Luigi Mangione
Talking to Europeans about healthcare feels like when you’re a kid and your rich friend shows you his toys.
“Wow you got the ambulance ride AND hernia surgery?? Oh. No, no, not me. I got the Uber and off-brand ice pack. Yeah they said it’s basically as good as the real thing.”
When you find yourself walking on sunshine and realize you can’t trust Google Maps
Got my mate for secret Santa (guy who spends all his time grooming his beard, drinking whisky, oiling his beard, drinking beer, combing his beard, drinking coffee, and wearing novelty Star Wars clothing) and I’m stumped
Pro Tip: If you order two drinks at McDonald’s, they’ll think you’re sharing all that food with another person.
I’m not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you…
I had a tasty leg of salmon and I feel fine
7yo: Do you use glue to make slime?
Me: Yeah, there’s glue in slime.
*7yo walks off*
Me: *a few minutes later* Wait!
My sister in law texted the family chain this morning “prime rib” completely out of the blue and not a single person has responded.
Apparently being able to recite every word of the song ‘Shoop’, wasn’t part of the skill set they were looking for at this job interview.
Thinking of taking Easter decorations down
Her: how are you still single?
Me: it’s easier than you think.